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Still not home yet

Ever since I’ve come back to Pennsylvania various and numerous people have come to me and say that I “look lost” or that I look like I’m “not home yet.” At first I was offended when people would say things like that to me. I would be upset that people weren’t extending grace to my Godzilla sized re-entry emotions. I felt so much frustration. I still do feel that same sort of frustration to an extent, but I am working (He is working) towards that frustration becoming grace.
 
 
I started reading, as in I began reading it a few weeks ago but now am picking it up again, Dangerous Surrender, by Kay Warren. It’s pretty neato how Jesus knew I needed to read this when I did! I love when He does that. He loves me so much! This passage identifies with how I felt, and still do, about coming back to America:

Everything looked different; everyone seemed strange. I looked at my possessions differently. Suddenly a full refrigerator was an insult. The crowded grocery store shelves were excessive. The displays of fashion at the mall were trivial. Television was disgusting and moronic. Politics made me sick. Church was superficial.

I‘ve had many conversations with people about this, but I don’t think this will ever change. I can’t stand to shampoo my hair. I don’t know when the next time is that I will brush my hair. I would rather sleep on the floor without a pillow than on my bed with lots of fluffy pillows. Shopping isn’t fun anymore. Brushing my teeth everyday seems like something only divas would do. I don’t want this to change.

I remember anticipating how hard it was going to be to “adjust” to American life upon my arrival. I also remember realizing how I had no desire to adjust back to this way of life. That sounds so funny…adjusting to the life that I lived for over 18 years.

I don’t know how I managed, but I feel as if I threw away my American culture when I was in Africa. It was imperative for me that I lived in the moment. I wanted to live like them and WITH them. I wanted to be there, as completely as I could be. For that to happen, I threw away my American way of life. Hygiene, health, dress, sleeping arrangements, thinking, habits, faith…whatever I could do to be WITH them I would do. That made my trip that much more life changing.
 
I’ve been shaped by these new experiences and I will never be the same. Moreover I don’t want to be the same. I can’t have seen what I’ve seen, met the people I’ve met, experienced what I’ve experienced only to turn away and return to life as usual. I now look at life through a different set of lenses. -Kay Warren
 

With that being said, coming back into this world was more difficult than I would have imagined. It was hard for obvious reasons. I can’t decide which was worse: Finding a balance between American and 3rd world culture and not having a Community. Don’t get me wrong, I have a support system…I just have high expectations. I would apologize for having such high expectations, but after thinking it through, I am not sorry. I DO and I SHOULD have high expectations of the Church. I don’t want to expect less so that I won’t be disappointed because that’s saying to Him that He isn’t as great as He says He is. As sons and daughters of the KING we can’t just sit around and sleep. (Why do you think other nations think all we do is sleep, eat, and go on our computers?)

I am used to being surrounded by PASSIONATE people. People who won’t settle, and will never be satisfied with the amount of HIM they have seen. They aren’t putting God in the box. They speak LIFE. They realize that the Bible isn’t boring, it’s a LIVING book full of TRUTH that is still applicable to this day and age. They strive to be Jesus with skin on. Being a disciple isn’t some sort sort of thing from Jesus days, it is ATTAINABLE and is a DREAM.

I‘m not surrounded by this. It is around me, but I’m not surrounded. Being surrounded by people like that encourages me and I strive to be who God wants me to be. It’s a constant reminder of what I want and who I want to be. I feel like my spiritual growth has been significantly less since being without my team because they aren’t there speaking life, rooting me on, and encouraging me…by just being themselves. I never realized how much I depended on them. I told them EVERYTHING, even things that seemed odd to tell other people. They said they enjoyed it because they love me. I had them to talk to for hours. I had them to worship with. They were there when I needed them to put mayonnaise in my hair, and I tried to be there for them whenever they needed me, plus some (Sorry Claire, I couldn’t handle the boils/staph infection). We could do stupid things and it would be the best! (One thing that comes to mind is when we were talking after dinner about what happens when you microwave a raw egg. We did it. We put an egg in the microwave…and it exploded, later than we expected, which resulted in all of us screaming and jumping, as our housemate pulls in the driveway as we finish screaming. Oh yes!)

I miss this

 
I miss my team. I miss living in Community. I feel so lost without it. It all makes sense now. I feel lost and like I’m not home yet because I AM lost and I am not at home with where I am at in life (without community). It makes me feel so alone. I have so much that I want to say, but no one who truly desires to hear me rant and cry-yell or complain. When I do find an opportunity to talk to people about how I’m feeling or what I am learning, I feel the need to censor myself to prevent people becoming uncomfortable. It’s like what I feel and what I’ve seen isn’t appropriate and doesn’t fit in the invisible God box that some of us have unknowingly formed (guilty of this).

I want to rejoice with my fellow brothers and sisters over the Lord! We have authority over the Enemy (Luke 10:19)! We have the authority to cast out demons (Luke 10:17)! It is realistic for God to raise the dead (Acts 26:8)! His Holy Spirit can be given through laying your hands on someone (Acts 8:18-19)! The Holy Spirit will pray for you (Romans 8:26-27)! And this is just SOME of the spiritual realm. It’s so beautiful, and so victorious. And that is just a portion of the spiritual realm!!!
 
*If I offended anyone in this post, that was not my intention. This is a rant. This post was written for you to see into my heart this week. This is what has been on my heart and what I have been processing. If somethind did offend you, please email me and we can discuss it. Please try to see this from my side…
 
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Whenever I post a blog, I try to post a link on my facebook so people know there is something new up! There is this really handy and easy thing you can do (It’s easier than bookmarking and stalking me on facebook). Right under my main picture there is a white box where you can put your email address. If you put your email address in that white box you will get notifications emailed to you whenever I post blogs. You won’t be spammed, I promise!!!
 

5 Comments

  1. wow! amazing. nothing i say will be able to compare to what you have written. but i just want you to know that you are not alone. you are not the only one who feels the way you do and let me tell you that it is a blessing that you feel that way. god’s word says that this is not our home that we are strangers, pilgrims, aliens and sojourners on earth. so we are going to feel out of place and alone at times but remember jesus promises that he will never leave us or forsake us. i pray that you will realize why the lord has you where he has you and that you will rely on him instead of your surroundings. thanks for sharing your heart. receive your feelings as a blessing. there are many who wish that they had what you have.

  2. cait, remember what i have always told you…”god would not put you in a situation that you cannot handle”. you are not alone, he is holding one of your hands and the other is being held by your “teamates”, family and friends. don’t feel embarassed feeling this way. one of the most significat changes in you over the last year is the fact that you speak from your heart and do not keep it in. god has given you the strength to talk about your feeling! he has put you in this place for a reason and everyday you are getting stronger and stronger! we love you and keep speaking your heart!!

    love,
    dad

  3. Cait, I once heard that the very best thing you can do when someone is hurting or struggling is not to tell them how they can fix it but simply say
    “I will be there.”
    And while I obviously cannot make the promise that I will be near to you physically I am in (and have been before) the place you find yourself. Yes there are probably differences but the truth is its hard.
    So let me say this…
    -Don’t stop beliveing its possible.
    -Accept that your team was wonderfull and that someday by the grace of God you may see some of them again….maybe not
    but know that now it’s time to stop looking back and now its time to look forward with expectation BECAUSE the last time you did that !!YOU WENT TO AFRICA WITH JESUS AND SOMETHING WONDERFULL HAPPENED!!
    -God has not run out of the unexpected for you.
    You wont forget what happened and as you delight in the Lord you will continue to walk out the life you now so desire.
    These thoughts are as hard for me to swallow as they may be for you but they are the real thruth for both of us.

    I SEE THE CHANGE ON THE PAGE CAIT. Its awesome and it’s all Jesus.

  4. Whenever I read your blogs I wish I could comment something wise, but I never can. You have become the teacher, and I am the student. I know you’ve been missing living in community, and I’ve been hurting for you, but I know God has His reason for it. Being patient is not settling, it’s just waiting without freaking out. I love you, sweetie ♥

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