Ever since I was young, I've been the kind of person who doesn't care what people think of who i am, the things I do, how many friends I have, and will do close to anything to make people happy. And, looking back at it now when I'm 18 years old, I can see how and why God created me that way. He did that so I can feel comfortable with going "against the grain" and not going along with society's cookie cutter future: Graduate highschool, go to college, graduate college, get a job, get married, have 2.5 kids, become grandparents, then...that's it. For me, God has always had different plans. He designed me to not care what other people think of who I am and the things I do so I can comfortably evangelize His name and to go all over spreading the news of salvation. And He designed me to not care about how popular I am, or the friends I have, because I will be leaving them behind for a life in missions. If I weren't this way, I would have such a hard time and would be miserable in almost everything I do. He made me overly compassionate so that I would have that "drive" to spread God's love to everyone. It's so awesome to realize how God has already prepared for me it and I am so young!!!

 

Here is the confusing part: How God led me to missions. The past 2 years of highschool I had been considering, night and day, what to do with my life. At first I wanted to be a special-ed teacher, then History teacher, then it was something in mental disorder diagnostics, then nursing, then Elementary art teacher. None of these were something I could imagine myself doing for the rest of my life. Then I thought outside the box, for something new, something different. Then helping people in remote places of the world popped into my head, and it wouldn't go away. In the beginning, I considered the peace corps. I realized later that it wasn't for me because it is secular and I wouldn't be able to do it in the name of Christ. That was the biggest turn-off, so I moved on and started searching for a Misson organization. A good friend of mine went on a trip through AIM to the Dominican Republic last summer, and she reccomended them to me when I told her I felt led to Missions. After finding all the information, everything seemed to fit! I'm not the most confident person, so before applying I had some worries. I felt that I wasn't "good" enough to be going on this trip, like I didn't deserve it. But after prayer, and talking to some supportive friends, I realized that it doesn't matter about how I feel about the trip, it's what God feels about the trip. And he wouldn't be putting it on my heart for no reason.

 

There have been several signs, I think, that confirmed a future in missions. One occured to me when I was taking a spiritual gifts test with some people from my church. My dominant gift was evangelism. There are no other words than AWESOME to describe how I felt when I saw that!!! And the other signs were more discreet, but still mean a lot to me. They happened through worship songs, and I will show you guys what they said:

 

"To the desperate eyes and reaching hands, to the suffering and the lean, to the ones the world has cast aside. Where you want me I will be.  I will go, I will go, I will go, Lord send me.  To the world, to the lost, to the poor and hungry. Take everything I am. I'm clay within your hands. I will go, I will go, send me." -I will Go, by Starfield

 

"Despite the lies that you're making, your love is mine for the taking. My love is just waiting to turn your tears to roses.  I will be the one that's gonna hold you. I will be the one that you run to. My love is a burning, consuming fire. You'll never be alone. When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars. Hear the whispers in the dark." -Whispers in the dark, by Skillet

 

You're not alone. There's more to this I know. You can make it out. You will live to tell" -You're not alone, by Saosin

 

Words cannot explain what these specific lyric exerpts say to me. But I bet they will mean something to you too.

Well, I do know I am VERY late on getting this blog posted! I keep forgetting this blog exists! But I will be doing a lot better with these!

 

I expect my life to be totally, completley, and utterly changed. What one of my biggest problems is trusting God COMPLETLEY! And by going on this trip, I am doing exactly that. I originally wanted to join the peace corps, but I am going on this trip on account of the countless convictions from God to get my butt to South Africa!!! Don't get me wrong, I am totally pumped for this,  but this wasn't my original plan. And you know what, I am glad this wasn't my original plan. Why?! Because just getting accepted and doing the research strengthened my faith because I had no idea what God wanted for me, I just followed his lead...and HERE I AM!

 

I plan to be challended...in general. I don't know how, yet, and I can only imagine. This whole team of Godly men and women will be challenged in ways we can't even comprehend. I think it is exciting what God is expecting from us!

 

I am the type of person who will do anything to take pain from someone. On this trip, I plan to take the emotional pain of not having Jesus as their Savior from the people. I just feel like I understood Jesus later than I would have liked in my childhood, and these children deserve the opportunity to meet him NOW...and I expect to give that to them. Also, I plan to shower these kids with all the love that God gives me. I'm just going to need to be strong when it comes to that, because I love every person so much and it hurts when they don't understand that they are already loved!

 

I plan to be totally molded in God's hands. I am not sure how he plans to use me, exactly, but I hope he uses me with the children because that is where I am passionate most. I hope my relationship with God is molded, also. I pray that I will learn on this trip, or while preparing for it, to surrender my desires, emotions, life, everything to God and that I will not be afraid. This whole trip is planned, and nothing will be a coincidence, and I need to understand that.

 

I expect my faith to be tested. Tested while I am raising money for this trip. Tested while I wonder if I can handle the horrible things that happened to the people there. Tested while I am thousands of miles away from my comfort zone. And in many other ways that I can't think up right now.

 

And another "silly" expectation I have is having a problem with eating. I am vegetarian. I haven't eaten beef since I was 15 or 16, or poultry since I was early on 17. I know I have some changes to make in that department, and that my body might have some trouble...but I am just dreading the conversion to eating meat again.

 

And if you all could keep me in your prayers while I prepare for this trip. I know there are changes happening in me for this trip, and I just would like prayers that by the time I leave here I am the woman God planned for me to leave as.

 

AND...Thank you, all of you, who are supporting me. You all make my heart smile everytime I log onto my account. And you will be in my heart the whole time I am away because you helped me get there!!