Who am I?

That poem was written by me in 2006, before Jesus rescued me. I was raised in a home where we attended church every Sunday and said prayers before we slept every night. I was “saved” sometime during my childhood. It was nothing more than that. There was no love and there was no relationship. From an early age I was trapped in the mold of religion that so many people before me and after me have been trapped in. I didn’t view God as a Father, or as love. I viewed him as something that people told me to pray to. I didn’t understand, nor really care for this whole Christianity thing.

In High-School, things began to go downhill for me. I was hit with depression and all that it entails. Everything fell apart, and I was tired of fighting to keep my head above the water. Everyone was telling me God was there, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t see Him. He hadn’t been there for me thus far, why should I bother talking to Him? He was the reason people were treating me like a leper, so I definitely wanted nothing to do with Him!

The summer before my Junior year of High School I slept over my best friend’s house, and her Mom made us go to church with her in the morning. This young woman has been there for me since all this ugliness even began, and never left my side. I owe her so much for that. That morning the youth pastor talked about the power of prayer, and that lesson knocked down a wall inside of me. I realized that God wasn’t so horrible, He actually cared about His people. Maybe I had the wrong idea of God all along…

The summer before my Senior year of High School I attended Student Life Mission Camp with 514 Youth Ministries, and my life was forever changed. I can’t say that I was saved there, because technically that had already happened. God spoke to me, wrecked me, and revealed His love to me. There, God placed a burning fire in my heart for Him, full of passion for Jesus and for His people. To me, a “normal” life was not an option. From the moment I was reborn, I was radical. There was no other choice. I was in a relationship with a loving and scandolous God and I couldn’t stay the same.

God is a funny guy. The week that transformation happened, God called me to missions. It was exciting, but very scary at the same time. He kept putting the word “missionary” in my head, but I didn’t really know what that meant. Whatever they were, I certainly wasn’t good enough for that! “O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant…(Exodus 4:10). I knew nothing about God, all I knew was I love Him and He loves me.

Jeremiah 1:5-7

5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;

I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

6 “Ah, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.”

7 But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am a only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you.”

Even though I felt crazy and didn’t know anything about where I was going, I followed God, hesitantly. “How could God, who I just met, want me not to go to college, but to go overseas for Him instead? Shouldn’t He pick someone who can do more good? I can’t do anything! I’m not good enough! Look how much I’ve screwed up…”

I didn’t feel worthy, and I still struggle feeling worthy. There are parts of me that still feel like I am not good enough to be doing these amazing, life changing things God calls me to do. Those are just ways that the Enemy is trying to prevent me from bringing Kingdom.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things-and the things that are not-to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.

1 Corinthians 1:26-29

On September 233d, 2009 I embarked on an adventure that changed me forever. I went with Adventures In Missions on the Novas Project. This adventure began in Mexico and took my team and I to South Africa and Mozambique. I’ve been to so many places, loved so many peoples, had my heart broken so many times…

I’m not going to try to describe to you what that trip means to me because I know I can’t give it justice that way. On this trip, however, I found my identity in Christ, I found love, was love, got sick, was blown away by God, found community, realized Jesus wasn’t joking with what He tells us in the Gospels, was romanced, got a nose ring and a tattoo (haha)…

I chopped fields of grass with a machete, I went out into the streets with sandwiches and water at night to break chains of bondage, I cared for prostitute’s children, I spoke directly into the hearts of women who were physically abused, I exercised my authority with spiritual warfare, I personally cared for an infant who suffered from HIV, TB, and malnutrition, I lived in a hut with dozens of orphans, I prayed for African infants that were so malnourished that they had yellow skin and orange hair, I prayed on my knees to God on the corner of a dirt street for God to restore one man’s sight… All of these things were God. They were all Him, and I am not responsible for them. I only let the Holy Spirit use my body to complete these things, which is the least I can do for Him. After all…

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20

“What am I doing now?” you may ask? I am going to be staying in the continental US for the 2010-2011 school year. I will be working (and getting paid for it), and starting an internship with the youth ministry at my church, 514 Youth Ministries. God totally worked out that internship in amazing ways, and I am so excited to see what He is going to do. I am so blessed to be a part of this. I will also be trying to find ways to do ministry in my area, or in the Philadelphia area. Something God really put on my heart while I was in Mexico was that I need to do something about the poverty and homelessness in Philadelphia. There was only 1 location that Novas Project participants could go to that was in the US, and that was Philly. That city is in my backyard, why have I not done anything about it yet? When I start pursuing that dream, it will most likely be ATL style (Ask The Lord). With my internship I will be doing a lot of various tasks, but one I am looking forward to most is discipleship. My goal for the year can be found in Ezekiel 11:19;

I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them;
I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.

If you have read thus far, you deserve a cookie or an imaginary high-five! Thank you so much! And if you ever have questions for me regarding anything, please don’t hesitate to email me ([email protected])! I’m an open book and would love to chat or answer any of your questions!

LOVE