So I will be leaving Africa three weeks
from tonight. It feels like this morning I woke up early on a chilly
Mexican morning to finish packing to leave for Africa. How is it
possible that almost 6 months have passed since I’ve been here? But
what has been flashing through my head is, “What do I have to show
for it?” This trip isn’t about me. It’s all about God. It’s never
been about me, and I hope I never view it that way. But I can’t help
but wonder what I’ve actually done here. There is a big part of me
that is disappointed that I haven’t stayed in one place for these 6
months. I’ve been to so many places, and have met so many people,
that I can hardly keep it straight. The longest I stayed in one place
was 2 months. I was able to form relationships with the people there.
I could walk down the street, and see familiar faces and have people
shout my name and the church I work with. I would be in the market
and run into several people I knew and be able to have a half- decent
conversation with them. We made friends who would want us to come and
visit them at their homes everyday and eat weird African fruit with
them. It was great, and I wonder what it would have been like if I
was there from the beginning, and how much further I would have come.
And then I wonder what it would have been like if I stayed in the
Mbonisweni area at the Iris Ministries orphanage, and what would have
come from it we stayed there for our whole time in Africa.
from tonight. It feels like this morning I woke up early on a chilly
Mexican morning to finish packing to leave for Africa. How is it
possible that almost 6 months have passed since I’ve been here? But
what has been flashing through my head is, “What do I have to show
for it?” This trip isn’t about me. It’s all about God. It’s never
been about me, and I hope I never view it that way. But I can’t help
but wonder what I’ve actually done here. There is a big part of me
that is disappointed that I haven’t stayed in one place for these 6
months. I’ve been to so many places, and have met so many people,
that I can hardly keep it straight. The longest I stayed in one place
was 2 months. I was able to form relationships with the people there.
I could walk down the street, and see familiar faces and have people
shout my name and the church I work with. I would be in the market
and run into several people I knew and be able to have a half- decent
conversation with them. We made friends who would want us to come and
visit them at their homes everyday and eat weird African fruit with
them. It was great, and I wonder what it would have been like if I
was there from the beginning, and how much further I would have come.
And then I wonder what it would have been like if I stayed in the
Mbonisweni area at the Iris Ministries orphanage, and what would have
come from it we stayed there for our whole time in Africa.
Frankly, I am disappointed in myself. I
feel like I have been taking my time here for granted. I feel like I
don’t have much to show for it. I hoped I would have come much
further. I was hoping for more brokenness. Community. Relationships.
Love. Have these happened already and I didn’t notice them? I doubt
it. But I know that God is going to have a great and busy time
rocking my world these last 3 weeks. I know He isn’t done with me
yet. I know God wants to show me more brokenness, community,
relationships, love, and so much more. And I know that He will,
starting now, because I have a willing heart.
feel like I have been taking my time here for granted. I feel like I
don’t have much to show for it. I hoped I would have come much
further. I was hoping for more brokenness. Community. Relationships.
Love. Have these happened already and I didn’t notice them? I doubt
it. But I know that God is going to have a great and busy time
rocking my world these last 3 weeks. I know He isn’t done with me
yet. I know God wants to show me more brokenness, community,
relationships, love, and so much more. And I know that He will,
starting now, because I have a willing heart.
You will seek me and find me when you
seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you. -GOD
seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you. -GOD
My biggest problem is brokenness. I am
tired of seeing a man walking down the street with upside down feet,
and looking the other way. I am tired of seeing people with inside
out eyes, and thinking it’s normal. I am tired of seeing childrens’
bodies ravaged by AIDS, and seeing them as just another AIDS victim.
I am tired of seeing big pot-bellies on children who haven’t had
enough to eat, and thinking that’s just how things are here.
tired of seeing a man walking down the street with upside down feet,
and looking the other way. I am tired of seeing people with inside
out eyes, and thinking it’s normal. I am tired of seeing childrens’
bodies ravaged by AIDS, and seeing them as just another AIDS victim.
I am tired of seeing big pot-bellies on children who haven’t had
enough to eat, and thinking that’s just how things are here.
Something is wrong here. These things
aren’t okay. How have I come to the point where these are normal to
me? How hard has my heart become? What has happened here? Rather,
what hasn’t happened here? This isn’t God’s heart.
aren’t okay. How have I come to the point where these are normal to
me? How hard has my heart become? What has happened here? Rather,
what hasn’t happened here? This isn’t God’s heart.
Oh, God, let me see them like You see
them. Let me love them like You love them.
them. Let me love them like You love them.
Abba, give me a glimpse of Your heart.
Cait,
You have such a beautiful heart for God!!!!! I think he has done amzing things with you while you were there. You have grown so much spiritually it is sooo apparant to anyone who has spiritual eyes. It just seems like you belong there, like you belong to those people to be the hands and feet of Jesus. God gave you a heart for them. Ask him what He would have you do now.
Cait, you have accomplishied more than you would ever know. God has taken you to many places in Africa because he knows the more places you visit the more people you could influence. Through your many visits, you have put more smiles on childeren than you could ever imagine. You have given your love and attention to childeren that have lacked the understanding and feeling of LOVE. So when you say, “you are not sure what you have accomplishied” remember the smiles and hugs that were given to you. The one thing that is a definiate… God is not done with you, buckle up, the next 3 weeks are going to be amazing!!!
DAD
the “normal” world isn’t as beautiful as some would try and convince us it is. How wonderful that our Savior brings life and beauty. It’s not that there’s so much brokenness, it’s that there’s even the SMALLEST BIT of beauty. God didn’t have to make anything beautiful…but He did. And whether “normal” or not… I’m sure you can recall the beauty you’ve experienced amidst the brokenness.
ditto what Jimmy said! I like that a lot!
catie, i miss you so much. i know gods gonna use you so much in the next three weeks so you get ready!!!!!
Cait, your prayer at the end – turn it around. I want YOU to see YOURSELF the way others and God see you. You do have so much love for these people. And they have love for you. God has worked miracles through you. You may have become accustomed to seeing the things that you mentioned, but you haven’t accepted it, your heart has not hardened. You have done what God wants you to do, you’ve obeyed him every step of the way.
Please, see the beauty. Look for it. It is there. It is in the prison, it is in the orphans, it is in you, it is everywhere. Come home remembering the beauty, as well as the not so beautiful parts that need so much prayer.
Because I trust God, I KNOW that you have a LOT to show from your trip. God sent you there (to all those places) for HIS reasons. You may not know all that you’ve done, but you will know after you get to Heaven. True we may be on our faces because of His glory, but I believe that Jesus will also spend time talking to all of us, and will explain all the things that we haven’t understood.
Catie, God is VERY happy with you. Please look for the beauty. There is SO much good! Welcome getting healthy and taking his first steps. Is that beauty? It is to me!
Cait, I love, love, love reading your blogs. This one made me cry. Your heart is so much in tune with God and I am so encouraged by you. God will do great things through you these last weeks. Finish well, I know you will. Love you, Joan
Cait,
It always amazes me when people like you who are so giving and faithful can’t see themselves as others do. I for one have learned so much from you. You have ministered to me so much while you have been on the other side of the world. You went away a girl and are coming back to us as a woman of God. You should not be disappointed in yourself at all. I know how much we all back home have gained from you from your blogs so I can only imagine the impact you have had on those people you are serving face-to-face. Can’t wait to have you home again. We are blessed to have you as part of our NPCC family.
Love,
Mrs. Langdon