So I will be leaving Africa three weeks
from tonight. It feels like this morning I woke up early on a chilly
Mexican morning to finish packing to leave for Africa. How is it
possible that almost 6 months have passed since I've been here? But
what has been flashing through my head is, "What do I have to show
for it?" This trip isn't about me. It's all about God. It's never
been about me, and I hope I never view it that way. But I can't help
but wonder what I've actually done here. There is a big part of me
that is disappointed that I haven't stayed in one place for these 6
months. I've been to so many places, and have met so many people,
that I can hardly keep it straight. The longest I stayed in one place
was 2 months. I was able to form relationships with the people there.
I could walk down the street, and see familiar faces and have people
shout my name and the church I work with. I would be in the market
and run into several people I knew and be able to have a half- decent
conversation with them. We made friends who would want us to come and
visit them at their homes everyday and eat weird African fruit with
them. It was great, and I wonder what it would have been like if I
was there from the beginning, and how much further I would have come.
And then I wonder what it would have been like if I stayed in the
Mbonisweni area at the Iris Ministries orphanage, and what would have
come from it we stayed there for our whole time in Africa.

 

Frankly, I am disappointed in myself. I
feel like I have been taking my time here for granted. I feel like I
don't have much to show for it. I hoped I would have come much
further. I was hoping for more brokenness. Community. Relationships.
Love. Have these happened already and I didn't notice them? I doubt
it. But I know that God is going to have a great and busy time
rocking my world these last 3 weeks. I know He isn't done with me
yet. I know God wants to show me more brokenness, community,
relationships, love, and so much more. And I know that He will,
starting now, because I have a willing heart.

 

My biggest problem is brokenness. I am
tired of seeing a man walking down the street with upside down feet,
and looking the other way. I am tired of seeing people with inside
out eyes, and thinking it's normal. I am tired of seeing childrens'
bodies ravaged by AIDS, and seeing them as just another AIDS victim.
I am tired of seeing big pot-bellies on children who haven't had
enough to eat, and thinking that's just how things are here.

 

Something is wrong here. These things
aren't okay. How have I come to the point where these are normal to
me? How hard has my heart become? What has happened here? Rather,
what hasn't happened here? This isn't God's heart.