We do not have a high priest who is
unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has
been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin. Let
us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may
receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. -Hebrews
4:15-16
and started to feel uncomfortable with what I wrote. I realized just
how vulnerable and honest I was with my words. The things that I
wrote I share with my team like it’s no big deal, but to share with
my friends and family back home was a surprisingly big deal. When I
thought about what really made me so uncomfortable about that was I
thought I was going to lose respect. I felt like people were finally
starting to take me seriously and not view me as a child. I’ve felt
like people have come to respect me more since coming on this trip,
and I felt like what I posted in that blog was going to destroy all
the progress I had made. I was second guessing myself, about if I
should or should not have gone into detail on the spiritual warfare,
and the “bad things” that I was feeling. Had I been living out 1
Timothy 4:12 when Paul says, “Don’t let anyone look down on you
because you are young, but set an example for the believers in
speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity,” and did I just
ruin that? But yesterday morning when I was spending some time in
God’s Word, something clicked. This verse is what started the chain
of thoughts in my mind.
If I must boast, I will boast of the
things that show my weakness. -2 Corinthians 11:30
Why would someone ever want to openly
boast about something? Let alone boast about their weaknesses? Aren’t
those things you shouldn’t be proud of? But boasting about weaknesses
somehow reminded me of how I articulated myself in my previous
blog…Well, just talking about weaknesses reminded me of that blog,
and it showed me how I should be boasting about them, not being
ashamed of them. The verse I just referenced really convicted me. I
was being prideful and was not living how Jesus calls us to live. I
realized that I was trying to do things on my own, and not through
the strength of Christ. I am at a point in my walk with Christ, and
because of what I am doing in Mozambique, where I can only make it
through the day if I run to Christ. It is very good, but challenging
because now more than ever every step I make is in surrender. It’s
funny because I thought I was living like that before. I was so
wrong.
11:30, I will boast of my weakness even more:
- I don’t love Jesus how He calls me to
love Him.
- I fail to treat others like I would
treat Christ.
- According to how the New Testament
authors define love, I have no love.
- I don’t understand why I was chosen by
God, and struggle with it.
- I doubt that God wants to use me as a
tool to heal people’s bodies and hearts, and prophesy his words.
- I sometimes think that if God knows I
want something, He purposely won’t let me have it (like marriage).
- I worry that I view heaven as a
paradise and not a place of eternal worshiping of God the Father.
- I
have trouble accepting God’s forgiveness and still feel ashamed for
things I’ve done.
- I don’t believe that God finds me as
beautiful as He says He does, and sometimes that isn’t enough for me.
- I look to other people for love and
acceptance, instead of God.
And those are just 10 weaknesses that I
could think of off the top of my head.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and
renew a steadfast spirit within me. -Psalm 51:10
So I really don’t know at all why God
has been putting these things on my heart. Maybe it is because pride
was getting in the way. Maybe because I was thinking all the things
I’ve done was through my own strength, when it wasn’t? Perhaps it’s
because for a while I was feeling like I wasn’t as bad of a person as
the Bible says I am and that grace wasn’t as great as people say it
is. I know that I’ve messed up, but I’ve not murdered or robbed
anyone, so I’m really not THAT bad. Right? Not at all.
This is my boast, or at least part of
it. I really felt like God was wanting me to share this with all of
you. I am not sure of what it means to boast about your weaknesses,
and why God wants us to do that, but I am trying to be obedient here.
As you can see I have weaknesses, like everyone out there. I was
ashamed for all of you back home to hear about them because I thought
you would view me differently, but it really doesn’t matter anymore.
It is good to have weaknesses, because God shines through them. My
prayer is that you all could understand this about weaknesses. This
passage coming up from 2 Corinthians 12 perfectly explains our
weaknesses.
To keep me from becoming conceited
because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a
thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I
pleased with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My
grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in
weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my
weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for
Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in
persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
-2 Corinthians 12:7-10
This passage blows my mind. Have you
ever sat down and thought about what God was saying to Paul when He
said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect
in weakness.” God’s power is made perfect in our weakness. That
means it is acceptable to be weak, because God’s power is made
perfect through it. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go to God and
repent of your sins and ask for help with overcoming sin issues. It
means that God will bring you through something where there is no way
you can get through it on your own, and it will bring God glory.
There are so many other things that this verse says, but I want you
to think about it for yourselves. What does this mean in reference to
your walk with Christ? What does this say to you? I challenge you to
apply this to your life, and see where it brings you.
Cait, do not doubt yourself. On September 23, 2009, you left us as a 18 year old young girl trying to find answers. You set out on this journey not knowing what was around the corner. You followed Gods word along with learning the True meaning of “The Love Of God”. So, on May 13th, when you place your feet on America Ground, your knowledge of the things you have learn will be a very valuable asset in your “Love for God” toolbox.
We miss you and cant wait to see you….
DAD
Cait, I do not know where to even start. I just read through your last 2 blogs and I am so convicted about what I am doing for the Lord and how easy it is for us to have so many weaknesses. I am so blessed to be able to call you my friend. Oh how I wish we were closer in high school :). I am praying for you always and know that you can make it til May. You can do anything with God’s strength. Love your sister in Christ, Meredith
I have to admit that parts of this were a bit beyond my understanding – boasting about weaknesses. I do welcome weakness, because each weakness is an opportunity for me to see God’s power, and for God to improve me toward His goal. And as you think about your weaknesses, you can see and feel God’s power, and work with Him to strengthen you 🙂 You are awesome, and I truly respect you 🙂 ILY
It’s the constant paradoxes in life isn’t it? You have to die to yourself to truly live. You have to give to truly receive. You have to truly be honest to gain true respect. The paradox doesn’t have to be discouraging. You are STILL a mighty woman of God Cait!
I too went back and re read your last blogs, and though they are extremely over powering to some, you never stop to amaze me on what goes on in your head!! And how you word everything so well. Like it’s been said “Don’t EVER DOUBT YOURSELF” You are being led by the highest power there is. But weakness is a part of everyone’s life. although in my heart I feel weakness and Cait should not even be in the same sentance. This could be one more challange that our lord has given you, and you have suceeded in so many of gods callings, this should be a piece of cake. Yes, you may feel “boasting” is showing weakness, but honey, you have every right to boast as you call it about so much!! Look what you where called upon to do. And maybe “Boast” is not the way to look at it or combine it with weakness. You have had the opportunity to experience something that most people could never do. Once again honey…you are truly awesome and I admire you and love you so much. I share everything you do with everyone I know. And people you do not even know yet think you are so special. That says alot too. Miss you, and can’t wait to see you.
Love Aunt Gina
Cait,
You just listed many of my weaknesses that I am too ashamed to say out loud. Just know that you are not alone in how you feel, I bet there is many more out there feeling that way than you know. You never fail to amaze me. Every night when Logan and I say prayers, we always pray for you and Alex and your teams in Africa (Logan always says Me-Men at the end…his version of Amen, haha). Know that we all think of you each and every day
Love you!
Kim
Cait,
Once again all I can say is Wow! I don’t know how you could ever doubt the amount of respect I, for one, have for you. First of all, you are answering God’s call in a way I don’t think I could. You have gained my respect in doing just that. Beyond that, my respect for you comes from your insight into the gospel and your courage to admit to things I struggle with. Your open honesty about your weaknesses are pretty much the same I struggle with also. You are not alone in your weaknesses. Thank you Lord for recognizing our weaknesses and providing for us through Jesus Christ. I applaud your courage and have learned so much from you. Thank you! Can’t wait to see you again.
Love,
Mrs. Langdon