Am I in a fairy tale?

Like a lot of people, I struggle with appreciating God’s grace and love for me. Somehow this is especially true when it comes to salvation, in my case. I hear about it all the time and, I don’t want to say it “gets old” but it begins to lose the “WOW!” factor. I really dislike how I come to expect these things. Recently, however, God has shown me how amazing salvation really is.

If you know me, you know that my High School years were not my best years. I struggled with depression and was not a very happy girl. In 9^th and 10^th grade I began writing poetry to express myself. After I became a Lover of God I couldn’t even look at the book. Every time I would look in that poetry book I would feel sick. Looking back, I think I know what the Holy Spirit was trying to do there. I was such a new Christian that it would have been unsafe for me to read what I wrote in my depression. I don’t know exactly why God did that, but I know He was protecting me from something that could have happened.

Last week I was looking through my “High School Box.” This box contained everything from High School…every Birthday and Christmas card, every picture, every concert and movie ticket, the tassel from my graduation cap, everything! In this box was my poetry book. God said it was okay for me to to look inside the book. He took me on a journey from there.

That poem is disturbing, I know. The poems I wrote were a cry out- a cry for help. Reading them and remembering the pain I felt showed me how amazing it is what Jesus did for me, and continues to do for me. He rescued me!!! He saved me from myself and what Satan was doing in my life. When I think of how Jesus rescued me, I imagine Jesus from Revelation 19. I imagine Him surrounded by magnificent clouds, riding on a white horse that is big enough for the both of us. His eyes are on fire, blazing with love, mercy, grace, and justice. He is wearing a beautiful crown. He is coming down from Heaven, for me! He is bringing angels with him for this fight, which is unnecessary. He doesn’t need to have angels with Him because He could say to Satan, “Flee,” and he would have no choice but to leave. He brings the angels with Him to show how much He loves me. He wants to show all that He will do for me. Or maybe He is being theatrical and thinks of how much more romantic it would be if he brings angels with Him for this fight, which it is. Then I imagine myself and the feelings I expressed in the poem I shared. I remember what it was like when I felt Him and discovered who He wanted to be for me. I recall what it felt like when He shattered the world that I knew for the world that He desires. He shifted, altered, changed everything in my world, about my world, and me. It makes me feel like a princess! It’s so romantic. I’m being pursued by a King who moved heaven and earth for me and will be relentless until He has all of me! How did this happen that I am so lucky to know Him…?

This past week I read “Redeeming Love,”which is a modern day novel based off the book of Hosea. Oh, how it changed me. The book showed me, in a way that I would understand, God’s intense and furious love for me. I really want to blab on and on about this book because it was so amazing and life altering, but I don’t want to give the Lord less space to move when you read it! I was reminded of the lengths He goes to for me to see, hear, feel, and listen to Him, let alone love Him.

I have never been “in love” with a man before, but I’ve heard from enough people what it’s like. You’re so in love with him that you feel like you are about to burst at the seams. You want to tell everyone you know all about him because he is THAT amazing. You can’t wait to spend time with him, even if it is just a couple minutes. You are more than willing to spend any amount of money on him if it will please him. You’re never too tired to chat with him. If he asks you to do something, you will do it and obey him. You can’t wait to spend your life with him. What if the “him” I was talking about was “Him”? Would those things be true?

I know for myself a lot of those things would be false if I were talking about Him, and I can’t stand it. I want to love Him so much more! My prayer for so long has been that He would help me to love Him more. Simple, but honest. I don’t feel desperate for Him.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;

lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

-Psalm 61:2

That needs to change. The Holy Spirit isn’t going to let me forget that. He is relentless for me. All of me. The same goes for you.

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

-Psalm 63:1