It has been a month since my last blog post. I am so sorry for not blogging sooner. My reasoning for this is because nothing “blog worthy” enough has really come up. Yes, there have been some amazing things that have happened, but nothing that, in my opinion, would take up a whole blog. So this blog is going to be a random and scattered blog of things that have been going on, will be going on, and what is going on in my heart.
On our way up to Vilcanculos, and leading up to it, some amazing and prophetic things happened. We waited around all day for the bus to arrive to take my team and I up to Mozambique. It was sunny all day as we waited, and as soon as the bus arrived to take us away, it began to rain. As we picked up our packs and started to walk down to the bus, someone called out, “Is this rain prophetic?” I think it was prophetic, or at least that is what God was showing me then. That rain shower meant that Vilanculos was going to be good. It was going to be refreshing, and new. It was encouraging. But as we got further on in our journey, it began to storm. It stormed all night and most of the next day. The roads were so muddy that it was hard to even manouever the van. As I sat in the van while everyone else around me was asleep I realized that this rain storm wasn’t just a storm. It meant something else. God was using this storm to symbolize that we are going to encounter storms, as obvious as it seems, in Mozambique. Although our time spent here is going to be new and good, it will be challenging and we will most definitely encounter storms. And I have seen that come to play.
Our first week in Vilanculos all the members of my team were attacked in one way or another by the enemy. There were all sorts of things that were happening. We were all feeling insecurity, jealousy, shame, anger, and other emotions and feelings that are not courtesy of God. We were sick all the time. I know how a lot of my team mate’s attacks went, but I know more detail about mine. Some examples of how I was being attacked was by wanting to go home. I woke up one morning weeping uncontrollably because I wanted to go home. Satan had put this idea in my head that God couldn’t use me in Mozambique, and that I would be doing better things in America. That was the biggest attack, because it went on for several days, I would wake up in the morning crying. I had some sort of weird physical attack as well. It seems that Satan usually attacks me through telling me lies, and if my “lie filter” isn’t turned all the way up, then they pass through and I think of them as truth. Eventually, I was able to see which thoughts I was feeling were courtesy of the enemy, and disregard them. When that happened, I was attacked physically. It started out as an ear ache, then it grew to my whole ear throbbing intensely, then to my mouth hurting, then to my neck hurting, then to me not being able to open my mouth because of the pain, then half my face swelled up from the pain. This was all an attack. Right around this attack, our hosts had arranged a Women’s conference. I was so passionate about speaking to the women about how God views them. But that morning I was planned to preach about that, I got even sicker. I was afraid to leave the bathroom because I felt like I was going to vomit and I was in so much pain. I couldn’t go and speak. But, thanks to God’s perfect provision and protection, I became well again that day and somehow the sessions for the conference were arranged so that I could give the lesson that God had given me for those ladies!!!
Community with my team has been getting so much better. We have been investing more and more time with each other. We have been falling into love with each other. We have been extending grace to each other like what God calls us to do. Sometimes I would rather just sit and talk about nothing with my team than do ministry. Going to the orphanage in Temane helped us out as a team. The conditions were less than ideal, mostly regarding the bathrooms. I am not sure how many of you follow my facebook statuses… if you don’t, I can fill you in here. In the long drop holes, there were large amounts of flies. Everytime we would go to the bathroom we would get attacked by flies. By the middle of our time there, we were praying for eachother’s butts as they headed toward the bathroom. We prayed for protection from flies. Thankfully, we didn’t lay hands on eachother’s butts (hahahhaa). Walls have been broken down. Things have come out that we didn’t even know about each other. God has been totally and completely present with our team building. Thank the Lord.
And here is when it starts to get scattered…
I have less than 50 days left in Mozambique. It is so hard to believe that the end of this trip is almost here. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. I miss home so much, but I don’t want to leave Africa. There is a part of me that is bitter about being in Mozambique and not South Africa, then another part of me that is upset I am having those feelings. I am realizing that there were things that I wanted to overcome before I came back to America. Areas that I wanted to grow in before coming home. I want to have a more stable prayer life, accept that God finds me beautiful, not find my value in other people’s view of me, and other things like that. I have grown in my confidence, but it is not where I would like it to be because I know that God wants me to be so confident in His authority. Thinking back to where I was before starting this trip, I imagine I have changed a lot…but I have no idea because I feel like the same person. I think you all are going to have to answer that one for me, because to myself I feel like the same old Cait.
I never thought I would miss America, and I hadn’t missed America until coming to Mozambique. Maybe it’s because I am sleeping in a tent and my contact’s house is made out of reeds. Yes, I miss some of the more simple things about America. I miss carpet, real chairs, towels, mirrors, refrigerators that are always on, milk that doesn’t taste like cheese, and turning on light switches on the wall instead of turning on my headlamp on my forehead. Or maybe it is because I honestly have trouble believing that God is going to use me for ministry here. God has shown me that what primarily is going to happen with me here is that He is going to minister to my heart. And I am so excited for that, I can’t even give it justice. I feel like I should be doing something more for the Kingdom, than soaking up words from God to me. I never imagined how difficult it would be to be away from Welcome. One of my teammate’s was on the phone with his caretaker the other night, and they said, “Tell Cait Welcome says HI!” Even though I know this didn’t actually happen, it caused my heart to jump and long him. I long to cuddle with him, and help teach him to walk, and to laugh at how funny he is when he eats, and to give him his medicine, and to put him to bed.
Okay, so this blog is getting to a major rambling state. I don’t expect you to gain anything from this blog. I suppose the main purpose of this blog is for all of you to know where I am at right now. I need prayer. I feel discouraged. Discouragement is what is really hitting me hard. I feel discouraged with where God has me. That sounds so bad! I feel like God can’t use women as much as he uses men here in Vilanculos. The congregation at the church we attend is fairly large for an African church. Out of that whole congregation, you will be lucky to find 3 women, or 3 little girls. The women here are not treated equally. The women have to stay at home and cook while their husbands and male children go to church. The women are not educated. There has to be something here that God can use me for, and I am having trouble finding it. I know that I have found my groove in other ministries in Mozambique, but this area of Mozambique is so different.
I am going to end this blog before I bring and of you into a state of confusion. So this is what is going on with me, in summarized form. The good things are that I am learning confidence, reading my bible like crazy and falling in love with God’s word, being constantly intimatley ministered to by God, and am gaining ground when it comes to spiritual warfare. Some negative things I am feeling is discouragement, homesickness, and feeling stuck. There other emotions there that I can’t put into words, but I hope you can pick up on them. Please be praying for me for the things I have exposed you to in this blog. And please be praying for my team as we seek God in how He wants to use us in Vilanculos.
Please, be praying for us. That’s my only request from you. Prayer is the only way.
Cait, I have to agree with Linda. You have been an encouragement to me and I am sooo excited to see what God is doing in you. Don’t underestimate the value of God working on you. You mentioned that you felt you should be doing more for the kingdom, but God yearns for an authentic relationship with you. It is not about what you accomplish or even seeing the results of your labor, it is about knowing God and honoring Him in all you do. He is showing Himself to you in amazing ways. You will look back on this time and see that. Trust that God will accomplish His purposes through you and rest in that – soak it up! I love you and am praying for you. Joan
Cait, there are so many things in this blog to be excited about! I love hearing how you’ve recognized the lies that you were believing and are confronting those with the truth! I love hearing about the community among your team (even if it is the flies in the toilet that are bonding!). And I know that the Lord has even more encouragement for you. Praying for you guys!
“Do not be afraid, little flock, for the Father has been pleased to give you the Kingdom.” Luke 12:32
I love you, sister.
Cait, my sweet little girl, don’t get discouraged. In my eyes, you have accomplishied more than I could ever imagine. You have brought the word of God and your love to everyone you have come into contact. Think about the children you have touched, think of their smiles, you came into their lives and I am sure they will always remember you. I am sure you remember the song that I told you was my song to my dad, “wind beneath my wings”, well sweetheart, you are my hero!!!!
So I read your blog and began thinking of encouraging words to write to you… but after reading the post above, I can’t imagine that you aren’t encouraged. This time is SO worth it Cait! Hang in there! It’s a GOOD thing to be there and a GREAT thing to end well.
You are a rock star! Thanks for sharing you heart with us! God is definitely bringing you closer and closer to HIm each day! love you!
Dear Cait,
My mom’s heart aches after reading your blog.
Of course you are homesick….. you are away from family and friends who love you….normal raection.
Off course you have ambiguous feelings about leaving … again, normal.
The fact that you believe Satan is attacking is PROOF that what you are doing IS VALUABLE and a threat to his hold on the people you are ministering to.
You may not see much more evidence than that. You are planting seeds that may take years to grow…. you may never know the results of your time and efforts… but GOD already knows and is so pleased with you.
I will continue to hold you and your team in prayer.
Sweet Catie, as long as you and God are talking and listening to each other, then you are doing exactly the perfect thing! We often are clueless as to why God does what He does, but we have faith that He knows what He’s doing 🙂 Remember that His way is better than our way 🙂 I love you 🙂
Hi Cait,
I just got done reading your blog and it amazes me every time I do. Although you are feeling discouraged right now, I want you to know what an encouragement you are to me. Every time I read your blogs I walk away in awe of you and how much you have grown in the Lord. You are an amazing young woman who has taught not only those people in Afice whom you are ministering too but also those of us back here at home. I hope knowing you are a wonderful encourager to me and many others gives you the encouragement you are coveting right now. I speak of you every week in my Sunday School class and use you as an example of faith in action. Thank you for all you are doing and I look forward to your return. You are in my prayers.
Love,
Mrs. Langdon